How to be happily single, so you can find the relationship you want

If you’re unhappily single, chances are life isn’t what you expected it to be by now. And that brings with it a sense of unfairness at how things turned out. Whether that’s an acrimonious divorce, shared parental responsibilities and stretched finances, or just decades of dating, a string of false starts and a nagging worry that maybe it’ll never happen.

The vulnerability of having to keep putting yourself out there, the sadness at the past chances lost, and the very practical issues that not having a mate to rely on can bring.

Sometimes it feels ok, manageable, even empowering, (particularly when you see what some of your friends have to put up with!). But other times it’s just miserable and you wish it could be different.

Which is perfectly natural. We are after all biologically predisposed to couple up.

But you know what? There is another way to look at this, and it’s one that can set you free to really enjoy your singledom at the same time it massively increases your chances of finding a relationship that really works for you.

Stop arguing with the past

The key to achieving this double whammy of contentment is to accept that, whatever has brought you to your single state today, you are exactly where you should be right now.

Perfectly, precisely, unquestionably where you should be in life.

Serene. Settled. Content.

No ifs. No buts. No second guesses.

Just where you are meant to be. And happy with that.

Now, that’s a lot easier said than done you might think.

But getting to a place of being serenely single does have to start with getting comfortable with the past.

Because so much of our unhappiness with our current situation – whatever that might be – is our struggle with the past.

That shouldn’t have happened.

He shouldn’t have done that.

I shouldn’t have said that.

Constantly battling for a different past. Fighting against what was.

But that is all wasted energy, futile heartache. Because it’s happened and can’t be changed. And not only did it happen but it should have happened.

It should have happened.

How do you know? Because it did.

The irrefutable evidence – the only fact – is that it did happen.

You did say those hurtful things. She did cheat. He did lie. Your love did gradually fade away, killed by the thousand cuts of barbed comments, cold shoulders and pointless fights.

All of it should have happened. Because it did.

Certainly not because you deserved it. Not because his behaviour was ok.  Not because you were wrong and she was right.

Just because it happened.

And you cannot change that. No force of will can ever make that different.

So have the serenity to accept what you cannot change and feel the weight come off your shoulders.

It happened.

It should have happened.

Nothing will change that.

I’m at peace.

Take control of your future

Once you’re at peace with your past then it’s time to work on your future.

Look out across the varied landscape of your life. Gaze into the future and see all of the events that will come up – big and small – over which you have no power.

The people you will meet. The bus you will miss by seconds that will mean you won’t meet someone you would have loved. The way people will treat you. The fun dates, the horrible ones, the perfectly acceptable but no spark dates. The laughs, the surprisingly enjoyable moments, the good times. The unreturned texts, the shady behaviour, the unrequited matches.

All of it. See all of it.

And know that whatever happens, you get to decide who writes the story of your life.

The people around you who are dealing with their own thoughts and needs? Or you?

I will only be happy when I have a partner that meets my needs.

Or

I will decide to be happy regardless of how others choose to live their lives.

Decide that you own your future and whatever comes your way, you will be the author of that future.

That no matter what good and bad happens around you, no matter what has happened in your life already, you will decide what it means to you and how you respond.

Powerful ownership of your own destiny.

Plan from your present

Once your past is at peace, and you have taken ownership of your future, then it’s time to focus on your present, asking yourself what you need to do to make that desired future happen.

Put your self on a date ban, seeing no one until you can truly celebrate the freedom that being single brings you? Or arrange 100 dates in three months to meet interesting people, have new experiences and accelerate the dating ‘failures’ that are the stepping stones to the one dating success that you need?

Whether it’s to give yourself a break from dating to focus on you, or to massively up your dating to ensure you reach the relationship you want more quickly, if you’re clear about where you need to get to, you can take the action you need to get there.

And when you have that plan, get clear on what you need to do to enjoy the present moment and not put your happiness on hold until you reach your relationship goal. Because so many of us make the mistake of pinning our happiness to an undefined point in the future when we achieve a goal, and allow ourselves to be unhappy in the present.

But this present moment is literally all we have, and all we will ever have, so if you decide to be happy in this present moment, you will dramatically increase your quality of life.

Get thankful every single day – morning and evening – for all that you do have in your life – writing out three things you are grateful for. Get conscious of what you love about your life – your friends, being out in nature, doing yoga – and build more of it. Understand the difference between focussing your happiness on achieving a future goal – being in a relationship again – and enjoying everything you do to get there – the people you meet, the places you go, the fun you have.

So that your life isn’t on hold until you’re completed by a partner (which isn’t possible – no one but yourself can meet your own needs) but instead you’re maximising your enjoyment of every single day.

Doing that will ensure that you make your own happiness right now. That you live each day to its fullest, partner or none. And that, ultimately, you’re the kind of complete, content person that other people find irresistible.

To sum up …

1. Get comfortable with your past – it should have happened, as it did, so stop fighting

2. Become the author of your future – knowing that whatever happens, you will decide what it means and how you respond

3. Plan your present – to enjoy this moment right now and to deliver the future you know you want.

Finding your life partner starts with finding yourself. Take the first step today by booking your first free session with a Your Best Life coach. 

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